The SEEing Feast Project: Entry #1

The perfect point of a paint brush. . .the life and bane of my right hand and the right side of my brain. It's sitting here in front of me because i have 10 little birdies i have to paint before Wednesday. Professionally, i am an artist and/or designer. i wouldn't necessarily consider myself a painter, but i do love to paint – so much so that the fear of not being successful at it often time paralyzes me from even attempting to begin. The projects that require it of me usually are the projects i procrastinate with the most (like the 10 birds i am to paint before Wednesday). i don't want to fail at it.

When i finally do get beyond what i call the procrastinating "dread", i'm absorbed by the process. . . i love the feel of the perfect amount of paint being applied to the perfect surface, the glide of the line that appears every time i start at one point and follow it to completion in my mind's eye and in reality in front of me. i can hear music swelling in my heart when i paint. It's almost like i love it so much that i am afraid that if i am not successful at it that i will be confronted with the hard truth that maybe i am not exactly who i want to be, who i hope i am, who i've dreamed i was created to be. . . a painter?

These days i have discovered a new place within me that embodies the same exhilarations and much of the same fears. God has been asking me to "step out" and be who He keeps showing me i am to be – the one who He SEEs when He sees me. The one who He created me to be. Surprisingly, this girl has little to do with paintbrushes creating visible moments captured on a page, but more to do with being captivated by the invisible and acting out in faith to further a purpose outside of herself in situations and moments that are created by Him.

The few times that i have recently closed my eyes and just done "the thing", whatever it is that i feel He is leading me to do, the blessing overflowing is breathtaking. It's like, for a brief moment i've discovered who i am, who i am to become, who i have always been, who He truly is. The prospect of another opportunity to experience it again and perhaps even more completely or fully is almost too exciting to bear. . . and sometimes, the fear of failure stops me in my tracks. BUT. . .

The difference between the girl with a paintbrush and the girl that is living her life out in faith, as i have SEEn in today's exercise, is that faithful girl can succeed and fail at living out these moments and she's still who she was created to be – eternally His. Either way, i am brought closer to SEEing and BEing more of who i was created to be from the beginning of time. Failures won't make me less of who she is – i've always been her, now i just need to be brave, be available, be obedient and just BE her, and i will undoubtedly SEE more of who i am, more of who He is, and more of what He is working to accomplish – more than i could have ever imagined.

Lord, God, help me to SEE You. Teach me to SEE and be who You created me to be. Help me to SEE the moments You have created for me to live out – and live out to my fullest potential for Your purposes. Give me the will and the strength to live out those moments for Your glory. Create in me new sight and renew my spirit within me.

Fruitfulness...is it just about being "nice"?

my thoughts on the idea of "fruitfulness..." in response to an original post at BFCCJOURNEY.

The man I married is someone that I wish I was more like every day. He is more Christ-like than any person I have ever known. I've seen him get "mad" at me once - and even in that situation his anger was enveloped in self-control, yet I knew, without a shadow-of-a-doubt, that I never wanted to put him in that kind of situation again. I've heard a story of him getting "mad" once in college. He was having to protect his home and friend and I imagine it was a fierce anger but one that looked much like Jesus over-turning the tables in the temple – I can honestly say that in almost every situation I have ever observed him in, he has responded with the fruits of the spirit, yet I have never questioned his masculinity. Gentle? yes. Kind? yes. Loving? yes. Self-controlled? yes. A man with a capital "M"? definitely.

I think about the old testament where you are reading about God's wrath, it's not "nice". I remember struggling with that when I was frantically reading the OT in Bib Lit freshman year. My mother, after a distraught call home, used my then living grandfather as an example. My grandpa was good, kind, loving, even-tempered. In college I even wrote a comparison paper between him and Jesus, he was much like what my husband is now. He was also tall, strong, a hard-laboring farmer with grit under his nails and at 70 his heart was as healthy as a 30 year old...a gentle giant – yet, you knew when you were in trouble with him. As a grandchild you worked your absolute hardest to never get him to raise his eyebrows in a way that you were certain he was disappointed. BUT, had there ever been anyone or anything threatening me or my life, he would have gone after them and broken them in two with his own bare hands – a wrath much like God's when He was protecting his children (from sin) or like Jesus in the temple, protecting His Father's house. But did God or Jesus have any less the fruits of the spirit at work in them during these times? I don't think so.

Neither of these two living examples I've had in my own life of men bearing fruit and being Christ-like were ever men (little "m") but more mighty (with a big "M" for Messiah shining through). Both of them humble, obedient, and more conscious about representing God in the situation and less of themselves - even when it required them to not be so "nice".

Things I am pondering. . .what's my eternal story?

In what ways am I allowing God to show me what may be acting as an obstacle to what He is working to accomplish in my life?

What areas of my life do I need to ask Him to continue encouraging me in my obedience?

Do I truly believe that when I ask God to do amazing things beyond anything I could ever imagine that He is working to do and will do that very thing – the unimaginable?

How will this chapter in my life play out as part of my eternal story?